I am not a big one for New Year’s resolutions, but I do feel reflective as one year ends and another one begins. 2011 has been an odd year for me and this is going to be quite a personal post.
Our trip to the UK (and a little bit) of Germany and France was an absolute highlight, but coming home from the much anticipated trip saw me land smack bang in a big puddle of ‘the blues’. It wasn’t much fun at the time, but now it seems to have been necessary to come to terms with the need for change and to eventually find the courage to start to make change.
Despite knowing the life should be in balance I had been oblivious to the fact that mine was completely out of balance. Despite telling myself that work wasn’t the centre of my life it had become exactly that and it was consuming everything. Time with family, time in the garden, time to reflect and re-balance. I’ve always been someone who pursues work that is meaningful and have been fortunate to find it. But working in community services can exact a high price if you are not mindful of keeping things in balance.
The impact was to spend my time giving up what was dear to me for work. This spilled into always trying to fit in too many things in and to do things in a constant rush. No taking time. No mindfulness. No thinking things through. No time to enjoy. Just get it done and keep going.
I was becoming resentful of the intrusion but didn’t think there was a way out. To change jobs would mean only a relative change of scene. I felt I could only do similar to what I was already doing and I’d still be there with me making the same mistakes. I lost my passion and work was becoming just the place to go and earn the mortgage payments.
Funny though, as the end of the year started to approach I started to catch my breath, just enough. Just enough to see that it was time to stop seeing life pass by in a blur. Time to stop watching the garden growing over and my daughter growing up without having time to appreciate any of it.
Then a little glimmering possibility caught my eye. A possible change of career, with a gentler change of pace. A return to study yes, but with a whole new career possibly spanning out in front of me. And one that would be interesting, but not overwhelming. There is no guarantee that the opportunity will be given to me, but it is worth a try and a bit of persistence if the first opportunity does not work out.
But along with possibility has come the realisation that if I can make this change it might also mean that the house (and of course the Gippy Garden) has to be sold. Up until now I haven’t wanted to even contemplate that because to sell the Gippy Garden would be to sell my sanctuary. But I’m coming to realise that the Gippy Garden can, in essence, come with me even if I have only a small patch of dirt. While I’ve been miserable I’ve forgotten that this is still the lucky country in so many ways and even if I should have to move somewhere cheaper, it will still have a garden of sorts I can make my own and have some more time to enjoy it. It won’t be the end of the world. And who knows, it might not even come to that.
So here’s to a big leap into the unknown in 2012. I might fall flat on my face, but at least I feel alive again!
A very ”Happy New Year” to you all and all the best with any leaps into the unknown for you in 2012!